King Mickey on Crack
by Thaeonblade
Summary: This is how Kingdom Hearts 3 will be like if Nomura decides to use high-grade drugs to come up with a storyline for the game.  In short, expect to die of utter confusion and shock. One-Shot  Sora/Kai; Riku/Nam; Roxa/Xion  Overdosed with Hilarity.


**Copyright: I do not own Kingdom Hearts (If I did then I would be rich enough to buy all of North America)**

**Rated: PG-15(yes, I know this isnt a real rating) for: violence, occasional necessarily graphic violence, occasional language, suggestive situations(or fanservice, however you look at it), and implications of mature themes. **

**AKA: You were warned!**

* * *

**_Kingdom Hearts 3 on Steriods_**

***Disney Castle under Siege***

"Fellas! Xehanort's army of nobodies possessed by dark hearts, heartless, unbirths formed from the strong emotions of the heartless, and Disney villains led by the somebodies of Organization XIII, the main characters of FF XII-XIII Versus, and that cheapass Mysterious Figure! We've gotta-" But armored Mickey looked to see that he was alone in his meeting room. Then he remembered sending Donald, Goofy, Taran and the other Disney heroes out to hold the fourth wall.

"What was that about an invasion? I kind of slept in," A drowsy topless Riku asked as he walked in to see an annoyed Mickey.

"Riku! Where are the others!" King Mickey demanded.

"Namine's getting dressed, Sora and Kairi just got back from training with Cloud and Lightning, so that just leaves Roxas and Xion..." Riku recounted while a portal of light opened to reveal a battle damaged Sora and Kairi.

"Sorry we're late!" Sorry apologized as the portal closed.

"How was training?" Riku asked.

"Don't ask!" Kairi quickly said with a shudder. Lightning and Cloud weren't exactly merciful teachers.

"Hi everyone," Namine happily greeted when she walked in. She also didn't seemed fazed when she saw the heartless besieging the castle, "Are those heartless?"

"Take a wild guess," Mickey shot back in increasing irritation, "Alright folks! The Wall garrison is holding the line and we should have reinforcements soon! But we need to think of a plan to-"

"Whats up bitches!" Xion yelled as she and Roxas stumbled into the meeting room. Their clothes were ragged, torn, and dirty; it didn't take long for the others to realize why.

"They're...drunk," King Mickey noticed with disbelief

"Shuddit! I'm old enough to fight a war with two key-shaped pipes!" Roxas defended, "Why can't I have a drink?"

"Riku...Sora." King Mickey didn't need to say anymore.

"Yeah, yeah, we're on it." Sora pointed his keyblade at Xion's mind and shot a beam of light that instantly dissipated the effects of the alchohol while Xion breathed in relief, Riku wasn't as gentle with his technique.

"Ah! That f&%*%$ hurt!" Roxas yelled as he held his aching forehead.

"Cause and effect," Riku didn't regret wacking the former nobody and turned back to Mickey "So we need to think of a plan to defeat Xehanort?"

"That's right! Glad to see that one of you is on board!" Mickey yelled, becoming panicked and annoyed by the incompetence of the teenagers while his wall garrison was being beaten back.

"Alright then, here's my plan!" Riku began while using **Way to the Dawn** to write on a chalkboard, "Me, Sora and Roxas will go among the enemy, learn their ways, their beliefs, how and why they fight, then when we've earned their trust, we sleep with their daughters and wives and train the half-heartless offspring to kill their parents!" Riku slashed his keyblade across the bottom of the chart to emphasize his point.

"Great plan, honey," Namine complemented, "Except that instead of your second part, we just slip poison into their food and kill them off that way."

"Riku! Namine!" Sora said in disbelief at his friend's cold-hearted plan.

"Oh...sorry, I thought we were talking about the Jonas Brothers..." Namine apologized while Sora nodded in understanding.

"And I thought we were talking about those Konoha ninjas." Roxas nodded in agreement with Riku's statement.

"We. Don't. Need. to earn their trust," King Mickey explained, "They already know that we're the enemy! Plus! They don't have immune or reproductive systems! Anyone else have a bright idea?"

"Xion seems a bit out of breath...Wonder if I was too hard when-" Roxas was knocked out of his thoughts when an idea came to his mind, "Hang on, I got it!" Roxas exclaimed and then explained "We cut off the head, the body falls over and dies! So we combine our powers together to form a force which will kill Xehanort and his lieutenants in one shot!"

"That's a great idea, Roxas!" Mickey agreed with excitement "And I thought that you were-"

"Captain Planet." Roxas finished with a smile.

"A complete Jackass..." Mickey finished with a face palm.

"That is the dumbest plan that I've ever heard of." Riku noted while shaking his head.

Mickey breathed in relief to see that Riku's mind was screwed on correctly, "The last idea was a bit screwy, but I'm glad Riku's on board with-"

"First off, how are we gonna channel our powers." Riku asked "Lastly, none of us have truly established elements in our powers."

"That's okay! You can earth, Riku," Roxas elaborated by writing on the board to show what everyone's name meant in Japanese and how that connect to that element, "I'll be fire, Sora can be wind, Kairi can be water, and Xion'll be heart."

"What? Why do I have to be heart?" Xion didn't see heart as a very useful ability, like most others.

"Because my heart belongs to you, baby," Roxas said whole-heartedly.

"Roxas..." A tear fell down Xion's face at Roxas' sweetness while the other girls smiled.

"Actually, I better be heart," Sora cut in, remembering that Xion was fundamentally a replica and that, "I am the Kingdom Hearts Messiah after all."

"Fine, cause Xion's the wind beneath my fire." Xion blused at Roxas' comment, "Now for those channels."

"What about our keyblades?" Kairi offered, bringing out **Destiny's Embrace**.

"You...guys...can't...be...serious." King Mickey said in disbelief.

"Let our powers combine!" Riku shouted.

"No...just...no..." Mickey could not believe that they were actually about to go through with it.

"EARTH!"

"FIRE!"

"WIND!"

"WATER!"

"HEART!"

"GO PLANET!" The five Keyblade wielders hit their blades together to shoot out a rainbow beam that turned into a bright orb. When the orb disipatted, an immortally recognizable figure stood in midair.

"With your powers combined, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!" Captain Planet exclaimed as he was reborn above Disney Castle.

"Wow...it really worked." Namine observed, not caring about being excluded since she didn't think it would work anyway.

"And...he...has...six...keyblades..." King Mickey noted in shock when six translucent keyblades appeared and started levitating around the Captain.

"Alright! Time to show Xehanort the light!" Planet said as he flew towards the enemy and worked his magic.

"Wow! Captain Planet just wiped out, Xehanort's whole frontline!" Sora said as he watched the Captain fight the enemy down below, "Now he's fighting off Dr. Facilier, The Horned King, Jafar, Gaston, Malificent, Frollo, and Chernabog! Four of them have dark keyblades, too!

"Okay, he's moving up and taking on Noctus and that Mysterious Figure Ven always complained about-" Roxas was cut off when he saw the MF start destroying Captain Planet "And now I see why..."

"Org. XIII is joining in too and-" Kairi's eyes widened when she saw what the Org. XIII was doing, "I didn't know this had PG-13 violence...make it M-rated-"

"More like NC-17 rated violence..." Xion said with horror in her voice, "Xaldin always did seem to have pent up aggression."

"Well great, they killed Captain Planet..." Riku said as their powers returned to them while the Captain's body was further mangled and ravaged by the heartless.

"Well, I think that I'll be Captain Obvious and state...THAT PLAN DIDN'T F%*%(# WORK!" Mickey yelled in frustration.

"Of course it didn't!" Roxas agreed, "Sora didn't put enough heart into it!"

"WHAT!" Sora said in outrage, "Last time I give a Nobody the element of fire-"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!" Roxas then full tackled Sora and a fist fight broke out. This led to a cat-fight between Xion and Kairi while Namine and Riku just waited.

"EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP!" Mickey yelled at the top of his voice, stopping the two fights, "THE PLAN DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE CAPTAIN PLANET IS ONLY GOOD FOR FIGHTING POLLUTION! XEHANORT'S ARMY IS NOT POLLUTING!"

"But aren't they destroying world's and taking hearts from the millions they kill-"

"Genocide is not the same as pollution." Mickey interjected for Kairi, "Just accept it."

"Okay then...Look's like we'll have to dish out the real guns!" Sora summoned **Kingdom Key** and grabbed Kairi's hand, "Kairi! Call out the band!"

"Got it King!" They then clashed their keyblades together to summon, the most brutal heavy metal band to ever walk the Universe.

"Is that...Deathklock?" Mickey and Riku asked when they recognized the band while Sora and Kairi changed into heavy metal clothing and altered their keyblades into guitars.

***Kairi, Sora, and Deathklock sing "Awaken". The garrison and heartless get pumped up and reckless***

"Stop! Stop!" Mickey yelled in frantic fear as the band continued, "YOUR SATANIC MUSIC IS ONLY MAKING THEM STRONGER!"

"Hey boys, hows it kickin?" A dark-skinned silver eyed boy in his late teens greeted as Sora and Kairi un-summoned Deathklock.

"Thaeon!" Kairi said as she hugged the newcomer, with a jealous Sora resisting the urge to kill, "The Heartless are attacking, we tried to use music but-"

"Looks like that heavy metal shit only made em stronger," Thaeon observed "Alright, ya'll about to see how we throw down in my town."

"Just great...a rapper..." Mickey guessed with cynic boredom.

"Shit no! I'm an individual boy!" Thaeon shot back, "Let's see em handle this!" With that he summoned his Keyblade, **Silver Sky**, and shifted it into proper form for his performance.

***Thaeon begins***

"Now he's playing Toccata in D Fague with his keyblade in violin form..." Mickey noted, unsurprised at this point, "Somebody just shoot me."

"Not only is the music inspiring the wall garrison, but now the musical notes are," Namine looked out and saw what the orchestra was doing to the battle field. "Taking shape outside the wall and cutting into the enemy second line. Oh look! One of them killed Pete!"

"Dude!" Mickey said in shock, "Just such a waste of power man!"

"Alright, now that the enemies placated and demoralized," Thaeon began as he finished, "Lets get a good vantage point and snipe out their commanders before they rally!"

"Uh...we can't use keyblades as guns." Sora corrected.

"Wait...wait a minute!" Thaeon said in utter disbelief, "We can open doors to other dimensions; lock/unlock what ever we want; control the elements; shape our keyblades into swords, bats, and whips; Create armor; **_Slice buildings in half_**; summon disney characters; **_wipe people's memories_**; _**split people's hearts in half**_; possess people; exorcise people; and _**form a f%*$&( spaceship**_! But...the Concept... of a long range weapon..._**ELUDES YOU!**_"

"...Yeah...we have even figured out how to do the majority of the shit you just described." Riku admitted with a bit of shame.

"Terra says hi," Mickey whispered when he face palmed again.

"Well screw this!" Thaeon said in outrage, "Call me up in the next fanfic!" With that he flash-stepped out of the Fanfic.

"There goes the only other competent Keyblade Master," Mickey stated, now beyond his limit in tolerance, "Who hasn't come up with an idea yet?"

"I have an idea," Xion said, "Lets-"

"Wait...I think I already know what your about to say," Mickey cut in, "You're gonna suggest creating a replica army from Riku, Roxas and Sora to draw from the enemies memories and drain their power as a result."

"Actually-"

"Oh wait! Get me to take out my Epic Painbrush and whitewash everyone from existence," Mickey elaborated with feral rage, "Well let tell you now darling...ITS NOT GONNA. F#%^#. WORK!"

"I was just going say for you to take charge!" Xion then burst into tears while Roxas held her and the others looked coldly at Mickey.

"You made Xion cry!" Sora yelled, "Apologize right now!"

"But...she's a rep-"

"Finish that word and I'll show how I can really use two keyblades!" Roxas warned while still holding his weeping beloved.

"...Alright, I'm sorry-"

"Like you mean it!" Riku warned with his keyblade out for emphasize.

"Damn teenagers and they're problems that don't matter!" Mickey muttered before he breathed and said, "Xion...I'm sorry for snaping at you, I was just overwhelmed by everyone not being able to form a plan that wasn't stupid. But that's no excuse for lashing out at you, could ya find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"Okay," Xion accepted while wiping off her face, "So what do you think we should do King Mickey?"

"Hmmm..." Mickey looked out onto the battlefield before he began, "Well, seeing as that their vanguard is in disarray, I say we cut the crap and waste them."

"Uh...sir-"

"Cause. I've had it. With these mother f%^&$# heartless, in my mother f$$^^ world! EVERYBODY GRAB A WEAPON!" With that, he summoned **Light Seeker** while the others summoned their Keyblades, "We're going hunting."

"But Mickey, why are we charging when we have twelve more garrisons to defend from?" Riku pointed out, "There's still billions, trillions of heartless outside the walls!"

"What are ya trying to say RIku?" Mickey dared Riku to keep going.

"This is madness!" Riku said then asked why he had just said that.

"Madness? THIS. IS. DISNEY!" Mickey epically yelled before leaping out of the open window and killing a Darkside when he landed.

"I think we drove him over the deep end," Roxas noted, "Oh well, no one lives forever, CHARGE!" Then everyone jumped out of the window and the Final Battle began!

***Two Hours into the Battle***

"Kairi! Watch out!" Sora warned as a Dark Twilight Thorn grabbed Kairi. Luckily, a Dark current slashed the nobody in half and allowed Kairi to safely land behind Sora.

"Thanks Master Thaeon!" Kairi yelled to her rescuer while Sora snorted in jealousy.

"Everybody gets one." Thaeon warned before killing a thousand heartless with one slash. Sora was not amused.

"F*%&$(& Gary Stu!" Sora commented before performing a reaction command to swing Dragon Maleficent into the air and then jumping up to dive kick her back onto the battle field, crushing Genie Jafar, Facilier, and Gaston in the process.

***Five Hours into the Battle***

"Axel! How's it going pal?" Roxas said before throwing Oathkeepr and Oblivion into the NeoDarkside that tried to step on Xion.

"Well, between having to fight you and falling out with Isa...not too good." Axel admitted with obvious sadness.

"Wanna join our side?" Xion innocently asked.

"Why the hell not!" Axel said before turning around and launching a chakram into Evan's chest.

"Lea, you son of-" But Axel snapped his fingers and caused the chakram to explode, burning Evan to a crisp.

"Hang on," Axel said before leaping over to where two friends of his were being pushed back by Riku and Namine, "Hey Isa! Renela! (Larxene's somebody) Wanna switch sides!"

"Hell yeah! What Xehanort did in **Xehanort's Victory** crossed the line!" Renala agreed before dancing around Namine and killing the Shadow Unbirth that tried to back stab them.

The Fourth Wall reference peaked Xion and Roxas' interest, "Wait...what happened in-"

"As much as I hate you, I need an excuse to get back at Xehanort for that **_one time_**." Isa sophistically admitted before ferally grabbing Frollo, stabbing him with two claymores and beating him to death.

"It was just a fanfic," Roxas pointed out, "What did Xeharnort do that-"

"Hey...I got screwed on my last pay check," Org. X confessed, "Can I join with you guys?"

Xion was also a bit confused, "Did he kill someone? Was it an M-rated-"

"I'm sick of Dilan always trying to stab me!" Org. IX complained before joining the circle, "Can I hang with your team?"

"Did he cross the Moral Event Horizon? Hello-"

"Well I never thought that Ordul (Luxord) and Myed (Demyx) were going to be traitorous bastards," Org. XI said while he approached the wary group, "Without me!."

"Are you guys ignoring us?" Roxas brought up while the old friends banded together.

"Alright, Lumaria!" "Let's kick some ass!"

"Seriously! What happened in-"

"Especially for the two of you, I'd stir clear to keep sanity intact." Renela finally warned the younger teens before shooting a lightning bolt through Captain Hook's arm. Since that was the arm with the hook on it, go figure the added damage.

***Twelve Hours into the Battle***

"Here we are," Sora said.

"Back to back surrounded by Noctus, Sin, The Mysterious Figure, Snow, Judge Gabranth, and Lord Vayne." Kairi observed.

"But we're all together and as long as we're together, we can never lose!" Sora declared as he kissed Kairi and charged down the assailants.

***Fifteen Hours into the Battle***

"Now we come to it at last." Xehanort mused as he stared down the little King of Disney Castle, "The final showdown between Light and Darkness...Here all shall see that Darkness is all powerful, that Darkness is Eternal...For Darkness is within all things...Darkness can never be truly destroyed...Darkness is from which all things are formed...Darkness-"

"Will you shut the hell up and fight already!" Mickey yelled as he attacked Xehanort and managed to chop off an ear, "Darkness, Darkness, Darkness...why the hell can't you just shut up about Darkness for Five minutes!"

***Seven Days and Seven Nights Later***

"We...won..." An exhausted Sora said before he collapsed next to Kairi.

"Got something else to say about Darkness bitch?" Mickey had used the last of his strength to smack Xehanort's corpse despite the fact that he had been dead for the past six days. "Didn't think so!"

"So...now what?" Riku asked as he rested atop the burnt skull of Dragon Maleficent.

"We repair the damage and go home." Sora stated before he started cuddling with Kairi.

"Think there's enough loot to buy a mansion around here?" Roxas asked Xion, both of whom were lying on their backs surrounded by billions of dead nobodies.

"Likely..." Riku answered while Namine rested her head in his lap.

"Think me and Xion will buy that mansion in Twilight Town...maybe rent out some of the rooms to Axel and the others." Roxas said out loud.

"Why are we calling him Axel?" Xion asked, "He does have a-"

"It's alright, Lea sounds a bit...feminine anyway." Axel admitted while Isa chuckled.

"Hey Sora! What are going to do about Namine-" But Riku was cut off when Namine vanished into particles. Because the writer decided to be a bastard to him, "What the-"

"Oh Sorry Riku, Namine didn't want to tell you but," Kairi sadly began her explanation, "When Xehanort died, Namine also died because part of her physical being was formed from Xehanort's power, so when Xehanort died, Namine died too."

"...WHAT?" Riku said in grieved confusion, "But...but...what about Xion!"

"I used my heart to make my own form..." Xion explained "Roxas and Ienzo helped too."

"But...WHEN DID ZEXION- I MEAN IENZO BECOME A GOOD GUY?" Riku asked when he noticed Org. VI reading a book on top of Dilan's corpse.

"He was never evil to begin with," Ansem the Wise explained, "Ienzo was pressured by the other apprentices, grief over my dissaperence and peer pressure drove him into darkness."

"DIDN'T YOU DIE IN KINGDOM HEARTS 2!" Riku asked with an increased volume.

"I got better." Ansem answered

"WHY DIDN'T NAMINE GET BETTER!" Riku demanded.

"Ask the writer." Mickey sadly admitted.

"WHY DID YOU KILL NAMINE? YOU BASTARD!" Riku yelled hoping that however was out there would here him and answer. But that answer would never come...

**The End **

(Yes Namine is dead and don't ask for a needless spin-off cause she'll still be dead!)

**You didn't see the Gurren Lagann fans complain about Kamina or Nia!** (Wait...)

Scratch that last comment...Nia never died! Therefore...

"Namine!" Riku exclaimed with Namine reappeared in his arms, "Your alive and...naked...what happened?"

"The fans wouldn't let me die," Namine explained as Riku formed a dress on her with his keyblade, "So now what?"

"Well...are we legal Mickey?" Riku asked with naughty thoughts on his mind.

"We're in a disney game! Of course your not f%*^($ legal!" Mickey yelled back before he went back to smacking up the Horned King's skull.

"Damn! Well...wanna go to the Destiny Islands with me?" Riku asked

"Of course Riku!" Namine happily answered, "Your parents won't mind-"

"They could care less," Riku admitted, "I was gone from home for a whole year and they never noticed."

"Neither did my mom!" Sora reinforced, "In fact, she doesn't notice when I have Kairi over-"

"Disney, Sora!" Kairi said when she whacked Sora on the head and then finished, "to cuddle and study."

"Sure you are," An attractively muscular Thaeon sarcastically agreed, "By the way, I'm not cleaning up this mess."

"Not it!" Axel said

"Not it!" Everyone of the Former nobodies except one said.

"Not-" Then Myed realized that he was last, "You bastards!"

"So..." Pent up anger gone, Mickey decided to get to the dirty work, "Who's gonna help clean up this battlefield?'

"Lets go to Twilight Town and eat Ice Cream, Xion!" Roxas then opened a dark portal, grabbed Xion and jumped in.

"Hey! I just learned how to turn my keyblade into a spaceship!" Sora then formed his keyblade into a futuristic surfboard and flew into outer space after Kairi jumped on.

"Turns out that I can still open portals!" Riku then opened a narrow portal and pushed Namine into it before jumping in himself.

"I'm an OC so I'm not obligated for anything!" Thaeon pointed out before he flash-stepped out of the Fanfic.

"I am sorry, but I must attend to my role in the upcoming film, _the Hobbit_." Ansem stated before he opened a digital portal, "Plus, when your hitting ninety, you shouldn't be lifting anything close to half of your weight."

"But you picked up a Darkside and swung it into-"

"But that was with the Power OF SCIENCE!" Ansem corrected Mickey before he vanished out of Disney Castle.

"Well...glad to see that the remains of Organization XIII is willing to help make up for-"

"BAIL!" All of the said Organization threw down ninja flash bombs which easily covered their escape. Leaving a frustrated Mickey alone since all of the Disney Heroes were too wounded to also help.

"I'm not picking all of this up by myself," Mickey angrily yelled, "Oh! I know! I'll just use my Epic Paintbrush!"

***One Epic Paint job latter***

"There! Much better." King Mickey exclaimed after seeing he beautiful stain free fields that surrounded his castle. The birds were singing, the rivers were running, and around the gardens, children were playing. "Now to begin my plans for world domination." Then then the birds grew monstrous and draconic; the rivers turned to sludge while ink soldiers emerged; and the children stopped playing and marshaled around their master with keyblades in their hands, keyblades formed from the hearts of their parents.

"Ah!" King Mickey woke up to find that he was in his Study. Then he nervously laughed after looking around, "Must've fallen asleep while reading-"

*Re-reads the contents of a really long information filled letter*

"Well shit!" Mickey after slamming his face into the desk, "We still have to fight Xehanort!"

**The End**

**For real this time**


End file.
